on a journey....

I have been on a personal journey the last few months. Where to? Not sure exactly but I’ll know it when I get there. For what? Not sure about that either but I am sure it will also come to me. What I do know is I can’t keep going on as I am. Part of it has to do with the men I date. I have to protect my heart from further breakage. The other part has to do with friends. I have to find the people who support me and lift me up. I also need to adjust my thinking. Be stronger in body, mind and spirit. I can’t be as hard on myself as I have been. I need to recover financially from my mistakes in the past. I need to get my house in order and enjoy the life I have built. I want to be happier than I am. Which is not to say I am unhappy, just not my happiest. So I have been on a journey...

I went this morning to have my hair trimmed by the man I met in Marfa. I was hitting him up for a donation to a charity I have been working with so I dumped $80 (that includes tip) on a trim. Not the best move financially but I got a $200 donation for my charity. (truth is, I can’t afford to keep having this guy cut my hair and I miss my former hairdresser somethin’ fierce.) But while getting my hair cut I talked to him about my journey. Aren’t we all on a journey to find who we really are? Of course I know who I am but sometimes (from me it was this summer) we lose ourselves in something (or someone) we know isn’t right or good for us. For me, as I got lost I knew I was headed for a massive crash down the road but pushed those thoughts out of my mind. And even as everything seemed to come crashing down around me, I still longed for that man I was lost in once. What I thought was a mutual feeling, ended up being nothing but a good time for the time being to him. Being in this situation is not new to me. I have been involved with men in the past who didn’t feel the same. I have been on the other side too, not feeling anything for a man who couldn’t get enough of me. So how do I know the next time I start falling that the man is true of heart? Not just in it for a good time for the time being? I wish I had the recipe or instructions so I could just follow it to the letter. I come out the other side happier and still intact.

The same goes for friends. I am trying to be a good friend. Listening with my heart open. Doing what I would want done to me. Trying not to use biting hurtful words that cut to the bone. Offering my help and support when that is all I can give. Being thankful when I receive help and support when I need it most. Yet, I still sometimes feel like I’m not connecting to my friends who I have always been connected to. Why? I don’t know. I do know that it all changed sometime early this summer.

What I thought was going to be such great summer for me, in the end has left me wretched inside. I’m still figuring out what exactly got damaged in and around me. Hopefully, I will come out the other end a stronger person.

what's your style?

I've been thinking about my own style a lot lately. What is it? Is it really a style? It is for sure different in my own way. Here's a little photo collage of my style both personal in the way I dress and the way I decorate my home.



Stay tuned for more photo collages.

I am NOT contagious.

Maybe it is because I am sick.... Maybe it is the holidays.... Maybe it is just the weather.... But whatever it is, I am not feeling up for it. Yesterday I woke up feeling under the weather. I had a morning full of doctor’s appointments before work. I arrived late to my first appointment. They did their usual inspection, take blood pressure, take blood, take pulse, take temp. The nurse said “you have a fever.” News to me. She made me wait a while, gave me a shot then took my temp again. “99, you need to go see your GP.” I cancelled of over doctor’s appointment and made one with my GP. Once I got to his office, my fever was gone. The GP diagnosed me with sinusitis. Told me I could go to work and gave me some antibiotics. There were two people out of the office so I felt I should go in. I hoped I had enough time off that I could leave early but it turns out that if I want time at Christmas then I can’t take anytime until then. BOO! This summer my boss made me take a few weeks off because I had so much time. I am now wishing we had both thought about it a little more.

So I feel like shit today. And I am at work. I am NOT contagious.

sunday nofun morning

I spend most of the day in bed Sunday. I read and slept. I had stayed up late the night before babysitting but I wasn’t that tired. I guess I was just a little depressed. I only got up to change the sheets on the bed and eat something. Then I got back in bed until I needed to get up to attend a wedding. Yes, on a Sunday.

The wedding was beautiful. C&A had a traditional Native American ceremony. I had been to one other ceremony like it but theirs was different and special. She look beautiful and he so handsome. The wedding was a family affair. Aunt did the food, friends the cake and decorations, another friend took the pictures. I was filled with love all night.

Here is a picture of the awesome cake they had.



I am pretty sure my depression came from two very strange dreams this weekend about the old lover who broke my heart recently. Two dreams two nights in a row. The dreams left me wanting to talk to him again. But I know he doesn’t want to talk to me. I still want to be with him as fucked up as that is given everything that happened with us in the end. Oh, it just makes me so sad.

The rest of my weekend was non-eventful. Just baby showers and babysitting...

got a case of the bleus...

Today was a therapy day. I have talked before how I love and hate these days. When I got back from therapy today I was more depressed and plain old exhausted. We talked about a lot of different stuff today. But one subject we talked about was dating websites. Specifically how when the time comes when I am ready to date again I should “play the numbers”. In other words, being on dating websites, ask friends to set me up and find men on my own. I don’t know how I feel about my dating life being a job. Because what we discussed sounds like a job. And that doesn’t seem fun.

On one level, I feel ready to date. But maybe that is because I am so lonely. My loneliness could be from the weather/daylight savings. I really do hate this time of year. Could we just skip ahead to February? I want like 2 more hours of day light a day.

I have been trying to keep myself occupied with other activities when I get home at night. Usually, the activities I have in mind to do get pushed aside because the drive home is so... Dark. By the time I get home I just want to put on my pjs and get in bed. I’m pretty sure that means I’m depressed. Tonight’s activities include cleaning the bathroom and kitchen and wrapping a baby shower gift. I might re-arrange the pantry. The bathroom is on hold until I can get out of the damn isolation boot and on a latter again. I really would like to get that bitch done.

whataburger smell

Last night I went over to my friend WD’s house. He is a good looking single dude looking for the right lady. I tried setting him up with a friend of mine but if didn’t work out. He is great but not my type. Plus there are some other reasons why it wouldn’t work with the two of us that I won’t get into here. It doesn’t matter what matters is the story he told me about his new lady friend.

He started by telling me he had met her through his roommate and another friend. A double intro is always a good start as far as I am concerned. They hung out for a few weeks (I didn’t get the specifics) with these mutual friends and alone. WD’s new lady friend was planning on leaving town for a few months but is returning. Two days ago they had an all day date/hang out. I sort of last date for awhile since she was leaving town the next day. WD told me that it was clear half way through the day that they were attracted to one another. He was pretty sure that if they were going to sleep together it was going to be that night. He said, she seemed to be thinking the same thing. They had kissed and made out before but nothing more that kissing. They went kayaking then hung out at her house, had a few beers, changed clothes, went to dinner then again back to her house for some friendly relations. WD said by the time they got back to her place he knew it was on. They had had mental foreplay at dinner. Talking sex, flirting... He knew and she knew. WD said they started messing around. Clothes started to come off. She was on top, clearly ready to do the deed. He took off her shirt and.... scratching across the record. B.O.! The poor girl had B.O. WD said he had smelled something earlier in the day but he dismissed it. They had gone to her house for a few hours before dinner and he thought she had cleaned up but she obviously she had not. The smell WD said was so bad that he couldn’t continue with the messing around. Everything stopped there. Of course he didn’t tell the girl why things had stopped. He claimed he had to wake up early and told her how much he wanted to but he knew it wasn’t a good idea given that he had to get up at 5am. (this is true, he works 6am to 3pm) WD did mention that his new lady was a little hippie.

WD story got me thinking about hygiene and grooming when it comes to sex. I asked WD if he had to have his lady’s snatch looking a certain way. He said no. But she had to smell good. He said he could over look an over grown vagina and even over grown leg hair (which his lady friend also had).

After his story, and when I could control my laugher (I am a horrible person, I know), I told WD how he smells (like cut grass). And all of our mutual friends. He couldn’t believe that his friend smelled like Sweet Tarts. Or that is other bff smelled like leather and weed. I told him how an old bf of mine smelled like chocolate cookies. And how when a man smells bad like moldy to me I know I should stay away from him. Then I said, “Does your lady friend smell like Whataburger?” (Whataburger is a Texas burger chain that has the best burger but they smell like B.O. and onions). WD stood up and shouted “YES! That is the smell!” I understand why he stopped the sex from happening. There is no way I could sleep with someone who smells like Whataburger.

things broken

This weekend I was thinking about all the things I have broken on/in my body this year. First my rib, it was painful. And it might be the most painful bone to break. I have been told it takes twice a long to heal as most bones. And since it has been almost 6 months and I still have pain, I believe it is. Then there was my heart, I am still reeling from that break. It seems to get aggravated when I hear a love song, when an email comes into my inbox, or when I see couples on the street. It is in these times that I feel achy and crushed again. Not sure when this will heal completely. Some days it feels like it never will. I try to protect myself against further pain to my heart by changing the radio station when I hear a song, trying to take deep breaths when looking at email or looking away when I see a sweet couple. It usually comes out of nowhere and hits me in the stomach so hard I have to fight back tears. I hope that some day I will look back at this time and think it was all worth the pain. Right now, it doesn't seem worth it. Then my ankle, while it is technically not broken, it doesn’t work correctly so it is broken in my book. I know this won’t take that much time to heal. A few months from now I should be walking with out this dumb boot. I wish my heart would heal as quickly.

broken or not broken?

I may or may not have broken my ankle. When I got to the doctor's office yesterday he thought I broke my tibia. The bone that is broken is very small and with the swelling in my foot they can't find the break. I may or may not have to have surgery on my ankle. I find out Friday. I will have a new cast tomorrow. My fourth. Until then I have to have my foot in an ice machine or on ice packs or in an ice bath. I am not happy or comfortable.